Friday, April 4, 2008
missing amanda
so as i was sitting on the computer last night, i realized what the date is tomorrow.. april 5th.. and now i want to cry... tomorrow would have been my best friend's birthday.. she would have been 26.. but she never even got to see her 14th birthday... and i'm sitting here thinking about amanda, and i realized that i have been sabotaging my friendships since august 1995.. i don't let myself get too close to people, and when i do find myself getting too close for comfort, i find a way to destroy the friendship... why am i doing this? i think it's because i'm afraid to let myself be hurt again the way i was when we lost amanda... i didn't sleep for almost a month after i got the phone call.. i cried all night every night when i was awake, and when i finally did get to sleep, i had nightmares that would wake me up every night... amanda affected my life more than any other person ever has... i need to learn to deal with this, and stop pushing everyone away... i need to let people in so that i don't always feel so alone.. but how do i do this?? how do i learn to trust whole-heartedly again?? in time i might be able to figure this out, but tomorrow, i am going to celebrate amanda's birthday, and i'm going to celebrate her life.... so tomorrow night is for you amanda.... i'll see you again someday...
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
You know, I think about her EVERY time I drive by her house when I'm in B-town. I didn't know her well, but she affected my life by her choice as well. I still cry for her sometimes. I don't know why she affected me, but my heart reaches out and is stomped on every time I think of her. I just want to bring her back and get to know her. I want her to come back so that I can cure the broken hearts. I think maybe it is because she is the first person that was a peer of mine to die. I don't know, but I know that her memory is certainly not gone...not amongst her friends, not amongst her peers.
Post a Comment