no one understands.... need to vent..

ok.. so tonight is my brother's fight.. i called my mom thursday to ask her if doug was getting a table.. she said "yea, but it's full already".. which really hurts me because i know that their friends jeff & holly will be sitting there, and alana (who is dj's GIRLFRIEND-- she's not even related through marriage...), and ashley and troy (ashley's boyfriend), and probably ryan.. (and mom & doug of course).. so there's 8 seats full.. the reason why i'm hurt is because dusty is MY brother, not ashley's, not dj's, not troy's, not alana's, not jeff & holly's... and me and dusty are my mom's ONLY biological kids.. but alana and ashley and troy and jeff and holly are more important to my mom than me... well, since jason knew how bad i wanted to go tonight, he gave me the money to go =) but now, the closer it gets, the more nervous i get about going.. because i know who i'm going to see at the table.. and i know how bad it's going to hurt me.. and i'm afraid that i'm going to not be able to take it anymore and that i'm going to say something to my mom about it, and we're never going to talk again, because i'm tired of her hurting me all the time.. the only time i talk to her is when i call her.. and every time i talk to her, she's always telling me about how they had troy and ashley out for dinner, or they had dj and alana out for something else... but the last time jason and i (or even just i for that matter) was invited over-- christmas.. yea, that's right.. CHRISTMAS!!! other than that, it's been me calling and asking if it was ok if i stopped by.... why am i not good enough to even get invited over? what did i do wrong?? is it because i don't have kids?? but dj and alana don't have kids.. so what is it?? i am the only one who gets treated like dirt.. hell, doug is paying for dusty's college.. and not even asking dusty to pay him back, because doug feels bad for dusty because of the way dusty's dad is... apparently doug thinks i have the poerfect dad... HA!! i haven't even spoken to my father in almost 3 months.. i already gave up on him.. his ex-girlfriend is more important, and i don't really care.. it doesn't hurt me because he was never there for me as a kid.. but this whole thing with my mom has me in tears right now.. because she has been there.. every sporting event, every choir concert, every day of my life.. until i got serious with jason.. and mom always says she likes jason, but i'm starting to wonder, but i'm getting to the point that i don't care anymore, because i just have this strange feeling that after tonight, i'm not going to have a mom.. i can only let her hurt me for so long... and i don't think i can take much more... i'm on the verge of breakdown, and i know where there's a bottle of pills that would make me sleep for a LONG time, and there wouldn't be anymore pain.... wow.. no more pain.. that sounds incredible.. but even dead i wouldn't be good enough for anyone so i don't even see what the point in that would be.. i'll always be a failure no matter what... i wish i could just turn off my emotions, and put my steel wall around my heart again.. that would be nice.. to not let anyone hurt me... because this crying thing is getting really old...

quick update

ok.. so it's been a while, and just wanted to give an update.. well- i wasn't able to quit smoking... i haven't been strong enough, and i gave up on it for a while.. i'll try again sometime.. lol.. also, i'm still looking for a job.. with no luck.. so until i find one, i'm still helping jason mow.. we went to 4 wheel jamboree last weekend.. had a good time.. got mildly sun burnt (it would have been worse if it wouldn't have been cold and rainy most of the day saturday... haha..).. but all this week, i've been outside so i'm a little more pink, but its starting to turn tan..

mom and doug bought a new house, and they're all moved in now.. it's AWESOME!! almost 23 acres of woods (me and mom went "shroomin" and we found one big grey sponge, and 4 or 5 wood sponges, and about 15-20 blacktops... gma b and uncle mark cleaned the woods out..) an acre pond, and a 1/4 mile long driveway.. here soon i'll go out and take some pictures of it... being out there is like being on vacation in the mountains in gatlinburg.. all you see is woods, and you hear NOTHING but the wildlife.. i LOVE IT!!!! dusty's going to be fighting again next weekend.. rematch with bo smith as long as the fight comission lets them.. if he does fight, i'll put up pics.. he has to drop 10 pounds bc that's the only way bo would agree to the fight was if they dropped a weight class.. also-- scott is trying to pull some strings (as a suprise to dusty saying thanks for being so awesome to the gym) and trying to get dust on "the next ultimate fighter" on the spike network!!!! could you imagine?? my baby brother being on national television?!?!?! AAAHH!!! that would be SO COOL!!! but ok.. i seriously have to get off of here and patty 20+ burgers for the cookout jason planned for this evening.. hope everyone has a wonderful memorial day!!