R.I.P. Cody Trent.... :*(

C

As we all have realized recently people can be taken from us in the blink of an eye without any warning. Life isn't a game, it's a priveledge. That you need to live life to it's fullest, so every day tell everyone how much you care about them. Never forget old friends and don't be afraid to make new ones. This message was created in memory of Cody Trent from Kenton, OH who was a great friend to many and the father of a 9 month old little boy. Cody lost his life on his way to work around 6:00 a.m. on April 30, 2008 in an automobile accident. Please keep this message going to let everyone know that we will always have Cody in our hearts. R.I.P. Cody.. You will never be forgotten.....

ok, so i've heard this song a million and a half times, but i never really listened to the words.. until the other night.. and as i sat there, dumbfounded by this amazing, inspiring, wonderful song, i realize one thing... this is what i'm going through... i'm trying to learn that i am okay just the way i am, and that no matter what i do i'll always want to be better... and listening to this song, i started realizing that i need to be happy with me because i'm me... so i'm trying it out, and it seems to be working.. i haven't had that many bad days lately, and i'm starting to think positive... but just read the lyrics to the song, and you'll understand it...


"Learning To Live With Me"by Gary Allan

I used to wish that I was
Great as any man
Better than I am
Could do things no one can
And I used to wish that I was cool as I could be
But now I'm learning to live with me


Is anybody satisfied with who they really are
You could be the moon
And still be jealous of the stars
You gotta learn to swim
If you can't walk upon the sea
So I'm learning to live with me

And I used to wish that I was
Braver than the rest
A hero nothin' less
A big duke in the west
But I know the way I am is who I'm gonna be
So I'm learing to live with me


Is anybody satisfied with who they really are
You could be the moon
And still be jealous of the stars
You gotta' learn to swim
If you can't walk upon the sea
So I'm learning to live

Learning to forgive
Learning to live with me


***************

ok, so what do you think? pretty powerful stuff, right?? i like it.. but ok, so a quick update.. i'm trying to mend a friendship now, but i don't know if it's going to work.. jason sent her a text and told her that i missed her and i guess he apologized (this is what he told me), and they exchanged a few texts, and then jason called me and told me that i needed to text her, so i did, and i haven't heard anything back.. i don't know... i'm trying to work this out, because i miss her so bad it's not funny.. i think about her every day, multiple times a day, and it's a horrible feeling that i have in the pit of my stomach... hopefully we can work through our differences and work things out because i do miss her terribly.. but god has a plan, and it's up to him whether we make it as friends or not... so i'm putting this in god;s hands...

insomnia.....

ok, so i have a little problem.. as you can guess from the title of this posting, i have developed insomnia.. it's not as fun as i always used to imagine it as a kid... it was about 6am yesterday when i got to sleep, and it was 8am this morning... and i don't sleep that much when i do sleep.. it's like a half sleep that leaves you feeling more drained than when you laid down.. :( i can' t seem to find any solution for this either.. i tried all the old wives tale remedies (ie-warm milk *BLEH*!!!, warm shower, warm decaf tea..) yea, nothing worked... so i watched the BEAUTIFUL sunrise by myself, and then i went and laid down with jason at 7, and fell "asleep" at somewhere between 8 and 8:30... so i'm a little grouchy and moody today, and then i started feeling really nostalgic, and i started thinking about someone that i was friends with not too long ago, and i realize just how bad i miss her and her son, and how i wish i could be there for her right now because she's having a hard time, but i don't see any way for that to be possible, because she decided that she didn't want to talk to me because of someone that i've been friends with for a few years now, and it drives me insane.. but i need to quit ranting and find something to make for jason for dinner...

no sleep.....

so i'm sitting here at almost 2 in the morning, wishing for nothing more than to go to bed and go to sleep... my husband has been there for 3 hours, and its not fair...... so i'm getting ready to shut down the computer, take my shower, smoke a cigarette, and go to bed... and i hear my dog gnawing at his tail..... which i have wrapped up with gauze pads and medical tape because he has like 6 or 7 stitches on the underside of his tail right on his hind end (he had a tumor removed and already ripped his stitches out once and had to be re-stitched...).... i had him bandaged the same way last night and he managed to somehow pull his bandaging off... and i wrapped the medical tape AROUND his tail as though i were mummifying his tail!!! but yea, not only did he pull it off, but it was all still IN ONE PIECE!!!!! so now it looks like i'm going to have to stay up all night to make sure that the stupid dog doesn't pull off his stupid bandages and rip open his stupid stitches again..... needless to say, i'm not to happy right now.. yea, my dog looks retarded right now, but if he wasn't so stupid he wouldn't have to look so dumb... he has on an elizabethan collar (aka-- lampshade), and the medical tape i used is like BRIGHT green (and the dog is a blonde/white mix)... but i don't care how stupid he looks, i need to figure out a way to get him to quit gnawing at his stitches so that i don't have to go to the vet's office 2 to 3 times a week.. i mean, don't get me wrong, i like my vet, but i don't want to make visits to his office a regular thing!!! so how to you teach a 10 or 11 year old dog not to itch when he has the urge to??? idk, but i have a feeling this dog is going to drive me insane... and it's not like when i get to go to bed that i sleep all that well anyways... i mean, last night, i was sleeping okay, and then i had an extremely odd dream... i dreamt that i was in a co-ed prison, because i killed someone that i used to be related to because he did something i didn't like... yea.. idk.. and i swear this dream went on for like 3 hours!!! well, i'm going to try to get something constructive done since i can't go to bed...

"broken"

this song is from the broken bridges movie soundtrack, and it just hits me every time i hear it.. it reminds me that things will get better sooner or later, and that everything happens for a reason... the lyrics alone don't do it justice, but they're powerful on their own...


Wake up to a Sunny Day
Not a cloud up in the sky
And then it starts to rain
My defenses hit the ground
And they shatter all around
So open and exposed
But I found strength in the struggle
Face to face with my troubles

When you're broken
In a Million little pieces
And your tryin'
But you can't hold on any more
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believin' in your self
When you're broken

Little girl don't be so blue
I know what you're going through
Don't let it beat you up
Hittin' walls and gettin' scars
Only makes you who you are
Only makes you who you are

No matter how much your heart is aching
There is beauty in the breaking

When you're broken
In a Million little pieces
And your tryin'
But you can't hold on any more
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believin' in your self
When you're broken

Better days are gonna find you once again
Every piece will find it's place

When you're broken
When you're broken

When you're broken
In a Million little pieces
And your tryin'
But you can't hold on any more
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believin' in your self
When you're broken

Oh When you're broken
When you're broken
When you're broken

SPRING RE-BIRTH

I have to say this.. Yesterday was one of the BEST days I have had in a LOOOOOONG time.. I'm not sure if it was the beautiful weather, or the people I was with, or my relief that Saturday was over, but I had an amazing day!! When I woke up, I wasn't instantly ready to go back to bed.. I got up, and I was AWAKE!!! That NEVER happens!!! Then, I did a quick clean of the house because my sister-in-law, Tina was coming to the house. After I finished my quick clean, I got dressed and ready to go so we could go out to eat for my father-in-law's birthday (which was over a month ago... but that's a story for another time..), and as soon as I walked out of my bedroom from getting dressed, I looked out towards the lake, and there was Tina and her husband Ted. Talk about awesome timing! Then we went to the Moose and had pizza (and I got my gizzards.. YUMMY!!!), and they killed 4 pitchers in less than an hour between the 4 of them.. lol... So when we left the Moose, we came home and sat outside by the lake in the sun, which was really warm and even more refreshing.. Then, when Tina and Ted left, Jason and I went to my mom's for a cook-out.. So, we spent a little over 2 hours with my mom, Doug, Gma Elleman, Gma Bateman, Dusty, DJ, and Alana.. Had a really good time.. Then when we came home, we were standing beside the road talking to a couple of neighbors, and Headings pulled up on his bike!! So, we walked around outside talking to Headings for probably pretty close to a half hour or 45 minutes, and then when Headings left, Jason and I came in, and we laid in bed and watched the Simpsons, King of the Hill, Family Guy, Extreme Makeover Home Edition, and some movies, and we just un-wound and relaxed, and then we went to bed.. and I woke up this morning, and I felt GOOD!!! I had energy almost immediately, and I was just ready to go for the day!! When I looked at my phone for the first time, I had a missed call from a number I didn't know, and a voicemail. So, I listened to the voicemail, and it was from one of my friends that I hadn't talked to for a while!! We ended up talking for almost an HOUR!! It was GREAT!!! I am in SUCH a good mood today, it's almost SCARY!!! I'm afraid to ask, but what's going to happen?? I don't have good days!!! But, maybe the change in season will be a change in me.. Who knows?? Spring is the season for re-birth.. Maybe my luck has been re-born!!! I can only pray!!!

missing amanda

so as i was sitting on the computer last night, i realized what the date is tomorrow.. april 5th.. and now i want to cry... tomorrow would have been my best friend's birthday.. she would have been 26.. but she never even got to see her 14th birthday... and i'm sitting here thinking about amanda, and i realized that i have been sabotaging my friendships since august 1995.. i don't let myself get too close to people, and when i do find myself getting too close for comfort, i find a way to destroy the friendship... why am i doing this? i think it's because i'm afraid to let myself be hurt again the way i was when we lost amanda... i didn't sleep for almost a month after i got the phone call.. i cried all night every night when i was awake, and when i finally did get to sleep, i had nightmares that would wake me up every night... amanda affected my life more than any other person ever has... i need to learn to deal with this, and stop pushing everyone away... i need to let people in so that i don't always feel so alone.. but how do i do this?? how do i learn to trust whole-heartedly again?? in time i might be able to figure this out, but tomorrow, i am going to celebrate amanda's birthday, and i'm going to celebrate her life.... so tomorrow night is for you amanda.... i'll see you again someday...

kinda new to this...

ok, so my friend liza has one of these blog things, and i thought i might give it a try, becaues i'm constantly blogging on myspace, and i decided that i'd try something made for blogging only... so.. it'll probably take me a while to get used to this, but i'm going to try.. lol.. a lot of my posts on here will probably be my original poetry that i've been writing for the last 13 years, so if someone feels it neccessary to comment, don't criticize my writing or me, these were my thoughts and emotions in my teenage years... well, here's to blogging!! ;)