no one understands.... need to vent..

ok.. so tonight is my brother's fight.. i called my mom thursday to ask her if doug was getting a table.. she said "yea, but it's full already".. which really hurts me because i know that their friends jeff & holly will be sitting there, and alana (who is dj's GIRLFRIEND-- she's not even related through marriage...), and ashley and troy (ashley's boyfriend), and probably ryan.. (and mom & doug of course).. so there's 8 seats full.. the reason why i'm hurt is because dusty is MY brother, not ashley's, not dj's, not troy's, not alana's, not jeff & holly's... and me and dusty are my mom's ONLY biological kids.. but alana and ashley and troy and jeff and holly are more important to my mom than me... well, since jason knew how bad i wanted to go tonight, he gave me the money to go =) but now, the closer it gets, the more nervous i get about going.. because i know who i'm going to see at the table.. and i know how bad it's going to hurt me.. and i'm afraid that i'm going to not be able to take it anymore and that i'm going to say something to my mom about it, and we're never going to talk again, because i'm tired of her hurting me all the time.. the only time i talk to her is when i call her.. and every time i talk to her, she's always telling me about how they had troy and ashley out for dinner, or they had dj and alana out for something else... but the last time jason and i (or even just i for that matter) was invited over-- christmas.. yea, that's right.. CHRISTMAS!!! other than that, it's been me calling and asking if it was ok if i stopped by.... why am i not good enough to even get invited over? what did i do wrong?? is it because i don't have kids?? but dj and alana don't have kids.. so what is it?? i am the only one who gets treated like dirt.. hell, doug is paying for dusty's college.. and not even asking dusty to pay him back, because doug feels bad for dusty because of the way dusty's dad is... apparently doug thinks i have the poerfect dad... HA!! i haven't even spoken to my father in almost 3 months.. i already gave up on him.. his ex-girlfriend is more important, and i don't really care.. it doesn't hurt me because he was never there for me as a kid.. but this whole thing with my mom has me in tears right now.. because she has been there.. every sporting event, every choir concert, every day of my life.. until i got serious with jason.. and mom always says she likes jason, but i'm starting to wonder, but i'm getting to the point that i don't care anymore, because i just have this strange feeling that after tonight, i'm not going to have a mom.. i can only let her hurt me for so long... and i don't think i can take much more... i'm on the verge of breakdown, and i know where there's a bottle of pills that would make me sleep for a LONG time, and there wouldn't be anymore pain.... wow.. no more pain.. that sounds incredible.. but even dead i wouldn't be good enough for anyone so i don't even see what the point in that would be.. i'll always be a failure no matter what... i wish i could just turn off my emotions, and put my steel wall around my heart again.. that would be nice.. to not let anyone hurt me... because this crying thing is getting really old...

quick update

ok.. so it's been a while, and just wanted to give an update.. well- i wasn't able to quit smoking... i haven't been strong enough, and i gave up on it for a while.. i'll try again sometime.. lol.. also, i'm still looking for a job.. with no luck.. so until i find one, i'm still helping jason mow.. we went to 4 wheel jamboree last weekend.. had a good time.. got mildly sun burnt (it would have been worse if it wouldn't have been cold and rainy most of the day saturday... haha..).. but all this week, i've been outside so i'm a little more pink, but its starting to turn tan..

mom and doug bought a new house, and they're all moved in now.. it's AWESOME!! almost 23 acres of woods (me and mom went "shroomin" and we found one big grey sponge, and 4 or 5 wood sponges, and about 15-20 blacktops... gma b and uncle mark cleaned the woods out..) an acre pond, and a 1/4 mile long driveway.. here soon i'll go out and take some pictures of it... being out there is like being on vacation in the mountains in gatlinburg.. all you see is woods, and you hear NOTHING but the wildlife.. i LOVE IT!!!! dusty's going to be fighting again next weekend.. rematch with bo smith as long as the fight comission lets them.. if he does fight, i'll put up pics.. he has to drop 10 pounds bc that's the only way bo would agree to the fight was if they dropped a weight class.. also-- scott is trying to pull some strings (as a suprise to dusty saying thanks for being so awesome to the gym) and trying to get dust on "the next ultimate fighter" on the spike network!!!! could you imagine?? my baby brother being on national television?!?!?! AAAHH!!! that would be SO COOL!!! but ok.. i seriously have to get off of here and patty 20+ burgers for the cookout jason planned for this evening.. hope everyone has a wonderful memorial day!!

am i a quitter??

so jason and i are trying to be quitters.. we're working on quitting smoking!! we had 5 each yesterday (that's a MAJOR improvement!!!)!! so, hopefully my next blog i'll be able to say that i AM a quitter...

mc donalds?!?!

Okay... So my mom is on vacation in Hawaii.. Yea, warm weather, beaches, sun, scenery.. Everything vacations are supposed to be about... And, she's sent me a few pictures... They're GORGEOUS!!! This first one she sent me on Wednesday, March 18 at like 1:05 p.m. EDT (which is 7:05 a.m. Hawaiian time).. It was captioned "It's 7:03 in Maui!! Good morning!! Love you!!" So this was the sunrise.. I asked her to please not forget to get me the one thing I asked for.. A picture of a Hawaiian sunset...


So around 12:45 a.m. Thursday, March 19 (6:45 p.m. Hawaiian time), she sent me this next picture with a caption of "Here's your sunset!! Love you!!" I LOVE sunsets!!! And this one is BEAUTIFUL!!!


But the picture she sent me around 3:00 p.m. EDT (9:00 a.m. Hawaiian time) has me puzzled....



The caption said "The trash cans in McDonalds!! Love you!!"................

My question is, who the heck goes to Hawaii and eats at McDONALDS?!?!?!?!?! Geez... I'd be trying all the little local spots... But, this is my mom I'm talking about here.... She might be a little strange, but I do love her dearly.... I guess this silliness is part of the reason she is my best friend.... But, ok.. it's time for bed now... I just had to share this, because I know you're going to laugh a little when you read this Liza... Ok, seriously though.. It;s 3:30 a.m...... I NEED to go to bed.... Night!!!

some good news for once....

My brother Dusty had his title fight Saturday night in Muncie, IN.. And.... HE WON!!! 1:18 into the first round he got the guy into a triangle submission hold and the guy tapped out!!! Dusty is now the lightweight title holder!!!!

Also, Mom and Doug made it safely to Hawaii Saturday, their first flight left at 7:05 a.m. our time, and Mom called me at roughly 8:30 p.m. our time.. She's supposed to text me a sunset picture.. That's the only thing I asked her to get me..

ALSO--- I am REALLY proud of me... I learned how to drive Jason's truck...As you can see, it's not a small truck... Hahaha... And, it has a 6 speed manual transmission.. I've never driven a manual before this truck, so I'm pretty happy about this...

But, I've gotta go so I can start getting some laundry around, since I have to go to the laundry mat.. :(

please pray for courtney

i found out last night that someone that i used to be friends with (we lost touch) is very sick.. she got mrsa, and it got in her blood, and now the doctors are saying she is brain-dead.. her pupils have no reaction to light, and she's on life support.. the only thing she even somewhat responds to is pain... her prognosis is very bleak, and the doctors are going to give it a week and see if courtney improves any.. if not, her husband is going to have a VERY tough decision to make.. the doctors have said that IF she makes it through this (and it's a very BIG if), she will be vegetable for the rest of her life... there is always the chance of a miracle, and i do believe that miracles do happen... so if everyone could just keep courtney, and her husband jim, in their prayers, i would appreciate it..

with this news, it got jason and i talking.. we both say that we'd want the other to turn off the machines, but i don't know that i could do it.. the only thing that i think would make me able to is the belief that it's not God's will to be kept alive by machines.. before all the advancements in modern medicine, it was left up to God to decide when he wanted someone... but, i just don't know if i'd be a strong enough person to leave it up to God.. i need jason in my life, and i need him alive... i need to be able to touch his hand, stroke his hair, and kiss him on the forehead.. i don't know if a burial plot and a headstone, or an urn, would be enough for me... it makes me break down and start crying every time i think about losing him.. i need him... i mean, yeah, i want him, and yeah, i love him, but, i NEED him... he is the reason i was put on this earth.. i truly believe that... and i think i would do anything possible to keep him alive.. but is that selfish? is that cruel?? i am so lost thinking about that... i would be lost without him... i know i could never re-marry, or even date for that matter... i would be alone for the rest of my life.. i'm not strong enough to do it.. i hate being in love.. it has made me a weak person.. i used to be just fine with being alone, but now that i know what true love feels like, i know i could never do it again... i pray every night that nothing ever happens to jason.. i just hope my prayers matter in God's decision...

but i'll keep you updated on courtney's status... thank you...

nash finch.....

.....is a joke!!! so i had my orientation on the 20th of feb.. 5 and 1/2 hours of videos and paperwork.... and on tues., feb. 24th i started work.. i started at 9:30 am.. by 11:30 am i was fired.. i feel as though i was let go because they never wanted to hire me in the first place.. i was only hired because of the lawsuit against them, and they found a way to fulfill their obligation to hire me, and they got rid of me as soon as possible.. so now i'm back on the job hunt... fun fun...

in other news... saturday, feb 21st, joel straker (jason's former boss- from when he drove semi) was found dead from a self inflicted gunshot wound.. his cancer had come back and they told him it was inoperable, untreatable, and was going to be a short ride until it killed him.. so rather than suffer through the cancer, and "making" everyone who loved him watch him suffer, he ended it.. i am still in shock... joel was a good guy... he will be missed..




in happier news, my friends heaf and speech welcomed their son coalton cody into the world at 2:01 am on thursday, march 5th.. i am happy for them.. speech has been a wonderful daddy to heaf's daughter hunter, i can only imagine what he's going to be like with his own son..

this saturday my sister in law and her husband are coming up from hilliard, and they're meeting up with my brother in law and his wife, and we're all going out for lunch for my father in law's birthday which was sat., feb. 28th.. he turned 69 this year..

well, i think i'm going to get ready for bed now, just thought i'd take advantage of the fact that blogger actually came up on my computer for once and blog for a second.. lol.. if you don't hear from me for a while, it's because here lately it has been extremely rare for my computer to let blogger come up for some reason.. but i'll TRY to keep checking in...

much love and god bless...

update

figured i'd give a little update.. i have orientation tomorrow for my new job!! 8am..

also, jason got me a valentine's day present for the first time ever this year.. i got the phone i've been eyeballing for the last 11 months.. lol.. the LG DARE... this phone is amazing!!!

mom and doug are moving.. they close on their house on the 28th.. mom is super excited.. i'm happy for them.. and doug has gone into hyper-drive getting their house fixed up to put it on the market... mom's been going through stuff, trying to downsize, because she said she wants to move as little as possible.. lol.. so far, i have acquired: two crock pots (1 small, 1 large), a bread maker, plates, saucers, and bowls for 8, and glasses for 7.. here soon, i'll be getting nick knacks, a chair, and who knows what else.. haha... but when they start moving into their new place (or whenever i get to see it) i'll take some pictures of it and post them on here..

but i'll update in a few weeks and let ya know how work is going..

since i can't sleep...

i just wanted to say....

that....


I GOT A JOB TODAY!!!!!

it's at nash finch (like 10-12 miles from my house), it's GREAT PAY (compared to what i'm used to), AMAZING hours (9:30 am - 5:00 pm), and i don't think the work's going to be very hard... oh, and did i mention that IT'S A JOB!!!! which are like impossible to come across anywhere right now... especially since daido metals announced today they're shutting their doors june 26th, and agc (ap) announced today that they're cutting 70 more positions, and honda's talking about closing the plant april and may....

but i am super excited!!! my orientation is fri 2/13!! i can't wait!! EEKK!!

fight night

my brother dusty had a fight last night at the iron tiger challenge at bellefontaine high school (man, that place is so much different now....).. he was the main event!!!! here's some pics!!

Here he is walking out..
He weighed in at 152..

Vs. Bo Smith

This was the last pic i got before Bo picked Dusty up and slammed him on his head... It knocked Dusty out.. He was down for around 2-3 minutes.. The scariest 2-3 minutes of my life thus far... But it was even worse when he sat up... There was nothing to his eyes for about a minute... He doesn't remember the slam, but he watched it on the video... He was totally dominating the match before the slam... Dusty told me "Oh well, it happens.. I'm going back to the gym tomorrow, and I'm fighting again either Feb. 21st or 28th.." He finds out the date this week.. It's in Muncie, IN.. And, I'm hoping to be there.. I am so proud of Dusty.. I will support him and his fighting until I'm dead and gone, and even then, I'll still be there with him..

He's feeling just fine today, doesn't even have a headache.. That's my dork boy... Hope you enjoyed the pics!!